life in the south

We're alive and well in VA. We were hot for a few days since our air conditioning was busted when we first arrived, but the profuse sweating slowly tapered off starting at about 9:30 am today. That's when the dinky little fan motor capacitor was replaced and the AC kicked back on. We're still rehydrating.

So far, we have accrued a new sofa and loveseat, and couple of bookcases, an ottoman, and a guest bed. We've unpacked various tidbits and given up others for lost. I've tried out two grocery stores and nearly sobbed for Wegmans. Dear Western New Yorkers, APPRECIATE WEGMANS. Nothing else comes close. And the store I think I'll go with has a silly name - Harris Teeter. It doesn't roll off the tongue like Weggies.

We are leaving for Houston on Friday to spend time with Monte's family and meet our newest niece, Marin. It will be lovely to be without household chores for a short while. More later.

Almost halfway there

Today I'm 19 weeks pregnant. Provided I go a full 40 weeks, next week marks the halfway point. Should I go only to 38 I'm already at the hump.

Wow. It feels as though I've been pregnant for quite a while. I figured out that I have stuck myself with a needle over 240 times already. That makes it feel looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong.

On the other hand, December doesn't seem all that close right now. Once we hit fall I know the time will zoom by. Our life comes in short spurts right now. There was the Springtime leading up to the moving process. There was the looking for a house in VA process. There was the organizing the house process. There was the actual moving process of packing and loading and unloading and unpacking. Now there is the limbo stage where we mooch off of friends and live out of suitcases. Then there will be vacation, where we briefly stay in our OWN house and then with family. Then there will be 5 weeks where mama and AJ won't see daddy. Boo. And then our life as a family begins for real in our new house. That's in OCTOBER, folks. I'll be in my 8th month, or nearly so, when he comes home. Then comes Autumn, my favorite season, and our last few weeks as a family of three.

If I take it a chunk at a time, it goes faster. But I'm not sure that I want it to go faster! As it is, AJ learns so quickly. He has the hang of "no" and when I ask him questions he uses it appropriately. And inappropriately, too. "Do you want yoghurt?" "No." "Do you want milk?" "No." "Did you go poop?" "No." Fibber.

He begs to go outside and I try my best to brave the heat and play. The sweat is downright embarrassing sometimes. Talk about a bun in the oven. Kiln is more like it. Those things reach thousands of degrees. I feel like I'm taking a ceramics class that just won't end.

It's 9 pm. My bedtime. 'night!

AJ's little sister

Grateful doesn't even begin to describe it. How I feel, that is.

I have had the best of the mothering world. I have tasted the anticipation of adoption - the bitter and the sweet. Carefully prepared a nursery with no idea of when its occupant might arrive. Oh-so-graciously accepted compliments on my adorable son without blushing since I know his gorgeous cuteness did not come from me. And now I am a birthmother. OK, not quite a BIRTHmother yet. A birthmother in waiting.

I feel like I can get inside AJ's birthmom's head, just a little. She, too, felt anticipation, both bitter and sweet. By this point in her pregnancy I don't know if she had made any decisions. I can't identify with her probable uncertainly, since I know this baby will come home with me. But the love for this little one, the desire to give her the best life possible - that is definitely there. Maybe I'm too closed minded to REALLY get into her head. She was able to imagine that the best life for AJ was with another family and not with her. What courage! What love!

And to answer "the" question I know many people have about adoption, I can confidently say that the love is the same. The love I have for my son, who did not grow in my tummy, is absolutely, 100% positively no less than the love I feel for this little girl who might look a bit more like me and their daddy.

AJ, my sweet love, this little girl is for you. So you will have a playmate as you grow. So you will have pigtails to pull (though I hope you will do so gently). So you will have someone to build couch pillow forts with in the living room. So you will learn to protect someone smaller. So you will have a sister to practice dancing with before you go to prom. You will always be my first, the one who made me a mama. You are irreplaceable and I simply cannot love you more than I already do.

It's a GIRL!!!

That's right, folks, AJ is going to have a little sister!

We had our 18 week ultrasound today and the little peanut is a girlie. We thought we had her name picked out, but I'm not so sure now and we are renegotiating. :D

Since we are staying at the apartment of some very gracious friends who are away on vacation right now, I don't have the ability to upload the pics from the ultrasound right now. But everything looked PERFECT! All the fingers and toes, etc. YAY!

Thanks to all those praying out there...we're nearly at the halfway point because of your intercession. It means a lot to us.

A moment to breathe

In the two months since I last posted, I have coordinated the moving of all our worldly belongings (or nearly all) to our new house. I have done all the signing to close on the new house. I still have to clean the old house, throw out some trash, mail some things, pack up others, and say goodbye to the first home we owned. And sign it away at closing next week.

Oh, yeah, and I've grown another 2 months worth of baby!

I'm now in month 5; week 18 to be exact. AJ is now 19 months old. He thinks he's Spiderman and climbs everything in sight. He learns new words every day and is the sweetest boy I know. Keeping up with him is challenging! Especially right now, when I lifted too much yesterday and now have some serious pelvic pain going on. Ouch. And no Tylenol in the house. Double ouch.

In other news, we just bought a new car!! We got an incredible deal on a Honda Odyssey with only 350 miles on it. Yipee!! We pick it up tonight and I can't wait.

I'm not at our computer so I can't post pics of the new place right now. I will soon, though. Soon!

OK, so I'm back

I haven't written in a while, but it's not because there hasn't been anything to write about. It's because there has been TOO much to write about! And since I couldn't very well see myself able to write anything if I couldn't write about the BIG thing, I've been holding off.

Today, for some reason, I feel like writing about it. I was going to wait awhile...but it just seems like the time.

Please welcome...

AJ's little brother or sister!


That's right, we're having another baby. EDD 12/16/08.

I am WAY more tired and WAY more sick than last time. Last time, my symptoms faded pretty quickly and I thought I was just lucky. Now I know that they faded because things were going wrong. I will take being sick if it means this boodle is OK!

The downside is that I have to give myself injections twice daily...boo. I have a problem with how my blood clots and the shots are protecting the baby from my evil clotting blood. I have some awesome bruises across my tummy. I don't think I'll post any pics of them, though.

So that's the big news. *phew* Feels good to say it out loud! Or as loud as posting on a blog can be. Pretty loud.

April, sweet April!

The weather has finally broken! AJ has discovered the great outdoors and our lives will never be the same. He cries and sobs when we come inside. This afternoon I wanted to clean out the beds in the front of our house, so I took him out and gave him a trowel.

He played, quite happily, for an HOUR with his trowel. He even snuck up behind me and tried to shove it down my pants. Then he pushed the snow shovel around the yard for another 20 minutes. When it was finally naptime, we said "bye-bye" to the shovel and the waterworks began. He cried while I took his shoes off. He cried while I took his jacket off. He cried while I took his dirty overalls off (he did some knee work outside, too). He cried while I changed his diaper.

Then he slept peacefully for 2 hours.

Boys.

He started a new trick today, too - the carseat wrestle. The arch-my-back-cause-you-ain't-gonna-strap-THIS-boy in move. The weather was so nice (comparatively speaking - about 58 degrees) he couldn't bear the thought of being cooped up in the car. I won, but he continued to whimper.

That is, until he got his socks off. My baby loooooooves bare toes. He tickles his own feet and giggles gleefully when his piggies are nude.

Thank God for Spring!

Um, hello? Is Spring there?

OK, this is just getting silly. It's nearly April. My poor crocuses popped out during our one day "heat wave" a few weeks ago and were promptly squashed and frozen by more snow. In some parts of the world it's already time to start picking strawberries! Hello! Spring! We need you!

This is really the first time I've felt stir crazy waiting for the weather to change. Maybe it's because AJ wants so badly to just run around like a chicken with his head cut off. Maybe it's because he has spotted a few seagulls during the short jaunts between car-in-parking-lot and various stores and he goes bananas pointing and twisting his head around to get a good look at them. Maybe it's because it seems like Spring is even later than ever this year.

Whatever the reason, I am giving the remaining snow on the lawn a dirty look right now.

I just tormented myself. I checked the weather in VA. It's going to be 82 tomorrow. AAAAAAHH!!!

I feel trapped in this twilight zone-esque time between living here and living there. The thing that ties us to this place is people - our friends, our church family. We will be sad to leave all of our wonderful people! But western NY is not our home. We don't belong here. I don't know that we'll belong in VA, either, and it may not be our permanent address. I'm sure that there will be people to whom we'll become attached. To the place, though? Dunno.

But the weather...the weather I could love. The beach I could - and do - love. *sigh*

AJ has learned to blow kisses. And sign "please" and "thank you." "Thank you" comes out the same as the kiss-blowing, but that's OK with me. So cute.

Naptime. *yawn*

back to normal

OK, I haven't written about our darling boy in QUITE a while. Sorry, sweetie. This one's all about you!

AJ is now 15 months old. He is walking, running, climbing, and trying to do somersaults. He would stand on his head if he could figure out how to keep the change in his pockets.

That was random. I've watched Real Genius too many times.

His little personality is blossoming - this week he learned to scowl at mama. When mama says no she gets either a mischievious, "I'm gonna do it anyway" look, a sad face, or this new scowl. Then mama usually gets a hug, like he's saying, "You still love me, right?"

He has also started biting...not sure what to do about this one. If I say no, I get a giggle. If I say no really sternly and a little loud, I get a face that crumples into a thousand pieces as though I've broken little man's heart. Yesterday he bit me on my face and I couldn't get him to release without grabbing his head and pulling it away. He just broke down.

I know he doesn't mean to hurt me. Still in that oral stage and all. He has learned "kiss," but thinks that means coming at mama with his mouth wide open, drool oozing from the corners of his mouth. So sweet...and so disgusting!

He loves to look out the window and point at things. I am mad at the snow. He is desperate to go outside and explore. It's March, Snow. It's time for you to let Spring have a turn now. I was looking at pictures we took last summer of his first trip to the playground. He's obviously not quite into it yet (I think the heat was getting to him, and it was close to bathtime) in these pics, but yesterday I took him for a walk in the nearly 60 degree heatwave we had and when we passed the playground he went nuts pointing and reaching for the slide and swings. Soon, boodoodle. Soon!

almost

The title of this blog is Family of (almost) Four, and that is appropriate.

We (almost) have two children, if you count one gone to glory.

The day after I last posted (Valentine's Day - ouch), the little one in the ultrasound pic let me know that she (don't know for sure, but it sounds better than "it") had gone home already. I started bleeding that morning. I paged Monte and he came home from work. We went to see my doctor and she, hopeful that I was just passing a clot from a subchorionic bleed (a very common occurrence) sent me for an ultrasound. I couldn't see the screen from where I lay, but I could see Monte's face. I suppose this is a curse of being a doctor, but he knows exactly how to read an ultrasound monitor and knew from the beginning that our little one was gone.

We have decided to name her, because she was as real to us as AJ is in all of his bounding energy. Her name is Hope, and she is home now.

When I say "home," I don't mean nestled in a nursery we prepared for her, or anywhere we would recognize. I mean the place for which I'm truly homesick; the place I won't see this side of death or rapture.

I don't know why she's there now and not still here, growing and stretching and getting ready to kick me. I don't know why, just when we were starting to plan for a second adoption, we found ourselves blessed with our very first pregnancy only to have it end without a warm, squirming bundle of baby. I don't know why we had less than a month to feel the excitement and anticipation of growing our family biologically.

I do know that I love my son more than ever. I love my husband more than ever. I do know that I am so, so sad.

But I'm not angry. I thought I would be. I thought I would refuse to talk to God for a while and do lots of huffing and arm crossing with exaggerated emphasis. Humph, God. Take THAT.

Instead, I haven't been talking to God much, but I also haven't been talking to anyone much. I'm quiet. OK, quietER. Because there just aren't any words to say other than, "I miss my baby and I don't know why she's gone."

But He does. He knows why. He knew from the beginning that it would happen this way. And He has a purpose for it. Of that I am absolutely certain. Just as I am certain that it is a perfectly marvelous gift of grace and mercy that I HAVE that certainty.

I have a new theme song. Not that I've had one before. For the time being, this is the one song that sums up my reality. Thank God for music, for knowing that we would sometimes need melody and harmony and rhythm and lyrics to say what we know we feel, but can't yet articulate.

Praise You in this Storm
by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining


As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away


I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm


I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
And raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You?


I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth


The very last bit, the bridge, I think it's called, is all I could say the morning of my surgery. My surgery to remove all trace of being pregnant. I sang it over and over again in the shower that morning, and in the car on the way to the hospital, and as I lay in the preop area, waiting to be wheeled into the OR.

I know that miscarriage happens to a lot of people. And for each one, the experience is different. Some are probably relieved. Some, like us, are heartbroken.

Goodbye, Hope. We will hold you someday.

Hello, hope. God, You've shown us that Your plans are not our plans. We know You're in control. We can't wait to see what (or who) comes next.

The Endeavor

OK, so here's how I named the space shuttle Endeavor.

When I was in 5th grade, we lived in Artesia, NM. My brother was in 7th grade. We were both in a special supplementary class that met a couple of times a week for an hour and since it's such a small town, we had the same teacher (different classes, but same teacher.) The new shuttle was in the final stages of construction and our teacher had both groups studying explorers throughout history (including astronauts). Amongst our study was Captain Cook, the first to circumnavigate the world in a ship called Endeavor.

NASA announced a naming contest for the new shuttle. It was technically only for junior high and above, but she had our 5th grade group work on it, too. We each had to come up with a name. I suggested Endeavor. I can't remember what my brother's group came up with, but when our teacher told them that our group had liked Endeavor best, they decided to submit that instead.

Well, my brother's group won the contest. They even got a trip to Johnson Space Center in Houston. He didn't end up getting to go with his group because we moved to Albuquerque after Thanksgiving. More than one group across the country came up with Endeavor and all of those that did got to go.

And that's how I named the space shuttle Endeavor.

tagged!

OK, I got tagged. Took me a while to realize it...but here goes:

Random fact #1: I speak Danish. Ja, de gor jeg. Jeg boede derover som udvekslingstudent.

Random fact #2: When I eat ice cream, I eat ALL of it. You will only ever find a fully scraped bowl when I'm done. To do otherwise is wasteful. :D

Random fact #3: I am particular about my dishwasher. I know how things fit best and when others load it I have to resist the urge to rearrange it.

Random fact #4: I named the space shuttle Endeavor. No, really, I did.

Random fact #5: I met my husband at a one day conference I knew I would marry him before I got home. Not marry him before I got home, but knew that I WOULD.

Random fact #6: I love cruises and boats of pretty much all kinds, but hate deep water. Go figure.

Random fact #7: I love to have things organized and will let piles accumulate unless I have time to organize them all COMPLETELY, which is almost never. It's lazy perfectionism.

OK...so I'm going to tag the only person I know who hasn't been tagged yet...Dawn!

http://colemanfamilyadventures.blogspot.com

more than my ego

That's what I bruised, that is. Yesterday I took a spectacular fall in a parking lot and smacked my tailbone on a curb. To make matters worse, I was holding AJ at the time. I held onto him for dear life and let my bum take the full force of the fall. I'd post a picture of my bruise, but this is a G-rated blog. Suffice it to say it hurts to sit, stand, walk, or lay down. And though purple is my favorite color, I don't like this particular shade, nor it's location on my body. Fortunately, AJ's only injury was a little fear at how loud mama yelled. His lower lip did a little quiver and he let out a whimper. He recovered faster than my bum.

The little boodle is fine. My mom freaked out when I told her I fell. I assured her that my ample rear was sufficient cushion. :D

House projects are progressing and I am actually beginning to think that we may finish in time!! Now if I can just find some time for a nap...*yawn*

night-night

9 weeks and counting

So I'm definitely more comfy in pants with elastic waistbands. I can wear my jeans, but when sitting or bending over they are getting a little pinchy. I still haven't gained any weight (praise God!), so things must just be redistributing. Or maybe I'm just so eager to have some visible proof that there really IS a baby in there that I'm imagining it all.

We're neck-deep in house preparations. We go on the market a week from today! I'm a little creeped out that people will be traipsing through here, scrutinizing every detail. I wish I could plant a bug or something so I could hear what they really think. Maybe I'll send some spies through the open house.

Since I should be doing laundry, I better make this short. :D

amazing grace

My post title is inspired by the movie we're watching - Amazing Grace, the true story of how William Wilberforce persuaded Parliament to abolish the slave trade.

But it's also an expression of awe. I feel like I am going along, living my as-usual life, and then - bam! - I remember that AJ is a big brother. My body reminds me with queasiness and exhaustion.

I went into a maternity clothing store for the first time today. Ever since we first faced difficulty conceiving, I have avoided such places like the plague. (Monte is reading over my shoulder.) The saleswoman approached me and, as I don't yet look pregnant (at least, I hope not!), asked me who I was shopping for. I browsed through a few things, though I didn't buy anything yet. I'm nearly 9 weeks now and it won't be much longer before my pants protest at the circumference of my fading waist.

(Monte's still reading over my shoulder.)

When I went to my OB yesterday they gave me a bunch of paperwork to fill out and other assorted goodies. The nurse asked me if this was my first pregnancy and I said yes. She said congratulations. I added, "I already have a son, though." She seemed confused. I almost didn't bother to clarify, but told her that we adopted him last year. I do not want my sweet boy lost in any of the joy of this second child. He is still my first, if not my firstborn. I am not becoming a mama for the first time. I'm only going to give birth for the first time.

Some amazing grace of God, giving us our sweetest angel and then following up with a playmate for him.

8 weeks. OK, maybe.

Today is day 1 of my 8th week. Maybe. I see my doc on Thursday and she may give me a different date, but for now I'm saying I'm 8 weeks pregnant.

Oh my goodness.

I've said it out loud a few more times and it still feels like cotton in my mouth. It doesn't roll of the tongue with any kind of ease yet. There are definite signs that it's true, and I can't really deny the ultrasound pics on the fridge or seeing the little heart beating.

Still, this feels like someone else's reality. It's no coincidence that I was really, truly settled on the notion of never having biological kids - and I was completely OK with that. So maybe just a smidge not OK.

I read an article recently about a family with bio and adopted kids and I was nearly in tears thinking of all the little people I want to adopt. Let me say here, loudly and clearly, that AJ will not be the only child we adopt. We WILL adopt again, at least once if not more. I just feel that it's something to which we are called.

I have to wipe down my counters - folks coming over in a few minutes. :D

*blush*

Wow, thanks for the sweetness, everyone. I have to admit I was nervous about posting the boodle pic. Partly because I don't yet feel assured of the realness of it all, and partly because I know that however much I have felt joy for others at their pregnancies, until now it has always stung a little. I cannot fathom the depth of God's love, to allow me the gift of another child - and EXACTLY when I would have planned to have one. We were planning to start the homestudy process as soon as we arrived in VA, with the prayer of another small one before Christmas this year.

Someone who hasn't adopted, or isn't in the process of adopting, may not understand this, because I think it's usually the other way around - people shy away from adoption because they don't know if they can love a child that did not come from them. At least not as much as they could love a biological child. And here I am, wondering if I can love a biological child as much as I love my son. I'm worried that this baby will not be as sweet tempered as my peaceful, joyous boy. Or as cute. Because, come on, who are we kidding here? AJ is drop-dead cute. And this little one won't have his gorgeous, toasted marshmallow skin. This little one will be PASTY WHITE. PASTY. PASTYPASTYPASTY. (Hopefully with her daddy's rosy cheeks. Or his daddy. Same daddy. OK, being confusing.)

I need to SLEEP! Especially since I won't have much of a chance in about 7 1/2 months. EEEK!

Holy bananas, Batman!

On Saturday night, we were getting all dressed up to go to a fancy dinner for hubby's work. There's always a yummy buffet and an open bar. I was thinking that a glass of wine with dinner would be nice.

But...Aunt Flo hadn't visited. But...this isn't weird. AT ALL. I figured that any money spent on testing to confirm I wasn't pregnant...again...would negate the freeness of the wine. So we talked about it and I thought, *sigh*, better safe than sorry. Hubby ran to the store while I curled my hair and I braced myself for the inevitable disappointment of "the stick."

Monte returned with a long-stemmed red rose and a digital pregnancy test. He said the checker looked at him funny. I don't doubt it.

I read the directions for the umpteenth time and took the test. I yanked at my pantyhose and resigned myself to three minutes locked in the bathroom. At about 30 seconds, Monte said, "What's that?" Then, "Where's the 'not?'" I looked up and saw the word "Pregnant" on the readout. I started saying, "No, it's wrong. You bought a crappy test." "Uh, I bought the most expensive one and it says it's 99.9% effective."

Uh.....

Fast forward to today. I've taken 3 pee tests and a blood test. We've had an ultrasound.


Drum roll please....

Introducing AJ's little brother or sister!



September 8th is both very soon and very far away.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

reflections

Today is December 20. On this day last year, I had been a mama for only four days. My baby boy was two weeks old, exactly.

I don't think I quite felt like a mama at this time last year. I was still in that surreal phase, wondering if I was ever going to sleep again? I had washed so many bottles, mixed so much formula, changed itby bitty dipes...and hardly held my son! There were too many other hands - grandparents, daddy, friends - and I had not yet spent a day alone with my child.

On this day last year, it had been only four days since we met our son's birthmother.

My baby boy is now one year and two weeks old. His birthmother is so much on my mind and heart right now. I wish I could say that I know how she is doing. I wish I could say that I know she went back to school, as she said she wanted to do. I wish I had crayon drawings from AJ's brothers to hang on our fridge.

But I can't, and I don't. We have not heard from her at all in the last year. I do not even know if she has seen our letters, or pictures of the gorgeous little boy she gave us.

All I can do is pray. I pray that she is healthy, that she is raising AJ's brothers. I pray that she is at peace with her decision. I pray that she is moving forward with her life.

All life does around here is move forward. Zoom forward, more like. AJ is zooming everywhere. Christmas is zooming towards me at a million miles an hour and I have yet to make a single batch of cookies. I haven't shopped for Christmas dinner at all. OK, I bought a half ham at Sam's Club. But that's it.

At this time every year, we celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus. We celebrate Him as the tangible embodiment of God's love. There is a bit of that divine experience in every child, I think - in the mother-child or father-child relationship is the spark of God, the unconditional, overwhelming, bring-you-to-your-knees love with which He was moved when he sent His Son into the world.

Thanks, Lord. I love You, too.

OK, so...

...I haven't blogged in a long while. When you hear why, you are going to laugh..


No, really, you will!

We got a new computer in October (a laptop) because the old laptop went to laptop heaven. Or the junkheap, whichever.

The new computer is a MacBook Pro. We also have an iMac. The MacBook came with the new iLife suite, including iWeb, which is the program I use to blog on our .Mac site.

So I wanted to use the new program. I tried to move the .Mac data over to the new computer, twice. It didn't work. So rather than go back and use the older program (with which there is NOTHING wrong), I just haven't been blogging.

I'm dumb.

So I think I'm coming back to blogger...since it doesn't matter which computer I use!

You may now officially welcome me back to blogging.

*takes a bow*